What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 08:49
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was scared of men, in general
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
I don,t even have a pension.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
Ive learnt so much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.